''your city's a sucker my city's a creep.''

''your city is stoned, my city's in heat''


I have been eyeballing friendly manitoba blogs to the max these days, a little envious of each micro-wpg-celebrity I happen to recognize within the frames and contexts. The celebration that follows the break of winter in that town is utterly infectious; I can feel the symptoms here & find myself in an upsweep of nostalgia for veggie burgers on patios, the princess goodwill, random acquaintences in la rue, deuce slingin', f&q floor gabbing and the consumption of slurpees at a pace unseen anywhere beyond the provincial border. Each face I see, each staple winnipeg locale, each event preserved infinately on the www, has inspired newfound resolve on my part to hit up the (204) for at least a couple weeks in summer; potentially after (hopefully) hosting some of my own winni guests & after the government decides to send my lover back to fancy france...

Otherwise, I wont complain much because winter has been vanquished in montreal as well, warranting more bare leg than necessary but nevertheless lending a light mood to all those who craved this kind of sunlight in those long winter months. Between today, yesterday and the day before I have walked a thousand miles, thrifted, sported oversized vintage sunwear and people-watched to my heart's content.I have also managed to keep myself unobducted and unaccosted for a full twenty four hours, which is a feat indeed during summer in this city.

I dont want to be rant-y or anything, but personally all the happy spring in the air is juxtaposed and downright shit on at times by a feeling of utter dread when I leave the confines of my home. The subtle insanity of fear creeps slowly inward from the fringes, my eyes have trained themselves to dart about watchfully at every turn. in the days of late my hand grips tightly onto the weapon concealed in my pocket - kept close even in the sunniest of hours. I am absolutely exausted of this state already, but understand VERY well that a girl cant be too careful when flying loco-ono all the time. The events that have led me into this state are numerous and spread themselves steadily throughtout my history as a social being, pedestrian, object, victim, girl/woman, sex. It is so engrained, yet so easily subdude, just to be habitually startled again & again by the same man, different face.

For the tenth time in the eight months of being here I have felt in danger on the streets - ultimately all alone to the will and harm doing of another, despite the abundance of people-traffic. No one wants to help anyone else in this town, and so if a man follows you for five blocks, spewing insanity and malcontent in a barely recognized tongue, you are on your own to fly down the metero steps and jump on the first train you can.

Potentially part of my nostalgia for winnipeg has something to do with the fact that I had never felt this anxious, watchful stance while walking the streets. There are no billboards that read '1/6 Quebecois suffers from a mental malady', and no one proving it, daily.




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but,

After a little reflectionI have come to realize is that one needent be at home to feel at home.
Merely speaking with a friend, looking over the multiplicity of blogs (matching all its peices), & simply being nostalgic for a town is the reason why I want to keep returning without wanting to stay. I am a weakerthan, but a wanderer.

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and also, if I were there and not here I would miss the bells of various churches in the mornings, the ample people watching, the metero musicians, evesdropping on french conversations; Perhaps this is worth all the creepers that seem to permeate my sanity.








more soon, je vous promets. I plan to hit some streets hard & capture all the new graff spring in montreal bears on its skin.

affecteusement, loco.