...this is the long version

there is always a moment of hesitation to pick up and write about winnipeg. it may just be stemming from the estranged-lover complex we share, the simultaneously painful/joyful memories that are inspired by the old nouns, or the community politics that I am/am not apart of - and therefore don't know if I can speak to. A thesaurus, at this point, would be much appreciated. It is difficult to find the specific words to write about something loved and hated. Inspiring a list of dichotomies - the tired model of difference - I have come up with the following:

- bear hugs / bisoux
- here / there
- memory / reality
- old / new
- babies / adults
- summer / winter
- english / french
- fruit / vegetable

aforementioned lists like these remind me that I can't confuse the two; my towns have different faces. Last week, I stumbled on a newfound, self-conscious Winnipeg. It was like catching someone looking in the mirror, though I couldn't describe what was in her eyes. Love? Hate? Confusion Corner? (someone remind me what that email address is, if you know). It is nice to peek at someone who doesn't realize you are watching them.

... a few quick embellishments:

The immediate, salutatory gesture of a bear hug v. double bisoux is so blazingly opposite I feel required to draw on it and draw it out. On many instances in the last whirlwind winnipeg tour a cool double kiss was half-expected, half-desired in the first few moments of every greeting, but promptly turned into the embrace and closeness of a hug. I had forgotten this, having since grown accustomed to the custom of a kiss or two, and it was a nice reminder. Being vulnurable and comforted by the crush and squeeze of another person's entire body pressed to your own (literally) took my breath away. I was surprised by the familiar touch of a ribcage, shoulderblade, hip, arm, hand. & locked eyes when bodies break apart. This is the Friendly Manitoba style. After a hug like that, it doesn't matter if years have passed, histories have been forgotten, correspondences have been nonexistent and you feel like a bad friend. All that is squeezed out when you have hands on your back.

In terms of the others on the list, connect dots; though perhaps the categorized foodstuffs acting as s bookend seems strange. Before I left the frenchman and frenchtown for winnipeg, my horoscope was read out loud. The abridged version (I should have kept it, as it was so beautifully written) was something along the lines of: "In the coming weeks you will be presented with some forbidden fruit. In the stars, it is not clear whether or not you should take a bite of the fruit or just contemplate its very act of temptation, but either way it will be significant. Good luck." Frenchman and I had a pretty long discussion about who or what the fruit may symbolize, coming to the conclusion that I was a huge fool to admit whom I believed it might be. As it turned out, it was certainly NOT who/what I expected, but tempted nonetheless. It was - vaguely - winnipeg as a whole, winnipeg in specific situations: It was stumbling shamelessly home from the mansion at six in the morning, twice, not really knowing what will (smith?) was up to. It was grooving with no regrets on a dance floor with charming strangers. It was teasing the notion of return, without the (sober) reality. It was getting away with it all, or just feeling like I could get away with it all because I believed I could get away with it all. It was MTL duties and politics as an afterthought, WPG as the present.

---Now that I am 'home' though, the forbidden fruit is still on my mind and an interesting proposal has complicated its matters further. Instead of acknowledging the fruit, discussing it, feeling it out, naming it, owning it, admitting it - I have since slept it off or danced solo on tables at boy's night in rooms full of people who will never know me and with a couple who know me the best. Receiving a garden-variety of advice, I am still no closer to figuring it all out and it could very well stagnate. I could become a vegetable.

--- this is what my horoscope says about it now (which also applies to Richard):

'May you live in interesting times.' That old toast is actually a droll curse meant to be heaped upon an enemy. 'Interesting' implies rapid change, rampant uncertainty, and constant adjustment. What's preferable is to live during a boring era when stability reigns. Or so the argument goes. Reject this line of thought. Celebrate the fact that we're embroiled in interesting times. Proclaim our struggles to navigate the sharp turns and uphill climbs to be a jubilee of the first degree. What fantastic luck it is to be on the planet when everything mutates! May we be up to the task of bringing heaven down to earth. May we be worthy of the trust the universe is placing in us. Now get out there, Pisces, and enjoy the hell out of the epic and entertaining drama we're stewarding. This is the time to be a leader and a luminary.

- Freewill Astrology.

---

I want to thank Winnipeg, again. Every time I return I am, once more, thrown into the unknown, the desire to know, the knowing. Once a year, a spoonful of situational existentialism is just what the doctor ordered.

The medicine goes down, pictures to follow,
LOCO

& here they be. st. b:






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